What does your child’s experience of shared parenting really mean to them?
When parents think about court orders or parenting plans they are considering time that is (hopefully) fair, somewhat acceptable, or at least works in a functional way for the parents. As long as there is a plan or orders to follow, the kids will be alright. Right?
While it’s true that children adjust to living between two homes, there is often a hidden side effect your children will experience and it’s one that some parents refuse to address. Children have a silent, innate longing that their parents will get along.
In my work as a Parenting Coordinator and a Family Mediator I am often required to highlight the damaging effects of sustained parental conflict on children. Issues like poor educational outcomes, anxiety and mental health issues, teen parenting, just to name a few. Even sharing this knowledge is sometimes not enough to bring home the child’s need for their parents to move on and put their children’s needs first.
Today I am sharing with you an extract of a study that interviewed Australian children about their experiences of shared parenting, and what it was like to be them, the child. These children all had ‘significant and meaningful time’ with each parent. That is, 50/50 or 3/4 rotations of time. The authors have published an anonymised copy of the children’s exact responses and then summarised them, which is what I have shared.
Core constituents
The following parental behaviours were dominant in children’s descriptions of feeling secure and content in shared time:
Parents co-create a non-threatening inter-personal atmosphere, marked for the child by low levels of conflict, tension and emotional challenge;
The original biological family is able to gather together with ease in this environment, from time to time;
In this environment, the child’s attention is focussed on their parents’ joint capacity to safely share emotional and physical space with each other, in moments of comfortable, benign intimacy, enjoyment and pride;
Parents jointly enable the child to experience lasting moments of enjoyment and simple delight that stay with the child over time.
One of the children interviewed was Clare. Clare described a time when her parents were able to prioritise her needs. It went as follows:
The situation of felt security described by Clare is of receiving a major award at her school assembly. Rather than focussing on the ceremony on stage, Clare keenly monitors her parents’ proximity to each other in the crowd and their initial lack of interaction. She identifies their physical distance from each other on opposite sides of the room, ‘apart’ with no smiles on their faces looking ‘blank-faced, straight-faced’, emphasising, ‘Like they WOULDN’T talk to each other and stuff’. When Clare’s name is called out to come forward for her prize, she notices her parents approaching each other, and then her father initiating conversation with her mother. She notes how their expressions change to smiles as they both shout out mutual affirmation about her achievement, depicted in her drawing
Please read this brief summary very carefully. Consider what is TRULY important to children and what you can do to meet their needs. There are more important things to consider other than division of time between their parents or trying to prove who is the ‘better’ parent.
Extract: “On laughter and loss: Children’s views of shared time, parenting and security post-separation”
Christina Sadowski and Jennifer E McIntosh
When I feel securely shared, I know I don’t have to constantly keep watch over how you will act when you are together (at places like handovers, or my school or sporting events). Knowing that you won’t fight is really important. But that’s not enough. I want to see you act in ways that show me that you can sometimes still laugh and have fun with each other, and share your pride and joy in me. When I see this, I relax and feel good, instead of being worried and watchful whenever you are together.
Sometimes when I am at your house, I might be feeling sad, or scared, or upset, and I might start to miss my ‘other’ parent. You and my other parent aren’t the same, and you do things differently. There are times when I just need to reach out to the parent I’m not with, to help me feel okay again. When I feel like this, I want to know that it is alright for me to call, or even see them – even though it is ‘your turn’ with me.
It makes it really hard for me when I have to worry about hurting your feelings because I miss the other person, and just need them. I’m still a kid with two parents, and I can’t always get all my needs met by the parent I am with at the time. I will learn to cope with my grief, and I will adjust to you being separate, but there are some needs I can’t just switch off, without creating big problems for myself.
When I feel securely shared, I feel like I live in one world, not two. I feel like both my parents are in touch with, and responsive to most things I feel and need. You both make sure that my arrangements and the way you put them into place don’t bury me under emotional burdens. You’re not expecting me to live between two completely unconnected households. You make sure I’m not too weighed down with the practical problems of living in between two houses. You can come together and make sure that my arrangements are predictable, but flexible – both on a day-to-day basis, and as I grow and my needs change over time.
Sometimes, my needs might be different from yours. When this happens, I’d be really grateful if you might put aside your own needs, and think honestly about mine, and what could help. There was this guy called Bowlby, who said the job of parents is to be bigger, stronger, wiser and kind. That about sums up what I’m asking for.
These are things that you can do to help me to thrive in shared time.
This article is written by Jasmin Newman, Director at Parenting After Separation – Australia’s leading co-parent education and resource centre. You can read her bio here. Please call our free help line on 1300 919 019 or email admin@parentingafterseparation.co.uk for assistance.